


When In Doubt, Seek God

by HSaijou



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Awkward Tension, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hugs, Humor, Late Night Conversations, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-23 02:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23337595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HSaijou/pseuds/HSaijou
Summary: The air around him remains still, but the warmth is still there. As if to assure him that She is still there, listening and waiting patiently for him.Fjord takes another deep breath.Finally, he asks, “Does Caduceus hate me?”
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 8
Kudos: 144





	When In Doubt, Seek God

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone!  
> Since it has been too long since I last wrote a fic, I decided to compensate by writing my first Fjorclay fanfic for the _Critical Role_ fandom.  
> Hope you like it, and I apologize for any errors.

Fjord slowly walks his way up to the tower top where the giant 60-feet tall tree stands. He still thinks about how absurd Caduceus was when he decided to plant his feather token (or in his own words, his “seed”) there, out of all places. But thinking about it, he _is_ Caduceus Clay, so all of his absurd and weird ideas are normal to him.

Strangely enough, that is what makes him so endearing to Fjord.

* * *

Fjord managed to ask permission from Caduceus a while ago about going up there, telling him that he needed to do some ‘quick meditation’ with the Wildmother.

“Oh, that’s nice,” Caduceus commented. “I think I could use some quick meditation as well.”

“Um, actually, I—” Fjord quickly replied, reflexively raising his hands at chest level. “I was thinking about, um, meditating by myself, so I’d rather be, uh, alone up there.”

There was a momentary pause, as Fjord felt Caduceus’ gaze on him.

When Caduceus hadn’t spoken yet, Fjord hesitantly asked. “…Is it alright with you, Caduceus?”

“Sure,” Caduceus said, smiling gently at him. “I mean, I’ve been meditating on my own for a very long time. You have also been meditating on your own as well, so I understand. Besides, I hate intruding other people’s spaces.”

The last statement completely caught Fjord off-guard that he felt his face warming up.

“R-Right,” was all he could say, nodding vigorously. He managed to gain his composure, before thanking Caduceus.

“If you need anything, just let me know,” said Caduceus, his smile unwavering. “I’ll be down here in the kitchen.”

“Sure, got it.”

* * *

Upon reaching the top, Fjord begins to make his way to the base of the tree. While walking, he glances around the area, taking in everything that he sees.

There is something about Caduceus’ ideas that, although some of them may be absurd, the results of these ideas always bear something good. One of these ideas, Fjord admits, is the layout of the tower top.

Although it got unneeded attention from many neighbors and passersby, it is most likely because of the countless green leaves and the lanterns that not only decorated the tall tree, but also illuminated the dark sky above.

The small garden is filled with plants and vegetables. Most of which are ‘root plants’ that Caduceus mentioned before, such as beets, potatoes, and carrots. Mushrooms, fungi, and moss grow in random places; some of them even grow at the base of the tree itself.

Fjord takes note of the garden shack-like structure that serves as Caduceus’ room, where vines and other plants grow and wrap around the wooden pillar-like bases of the shack.

The entire tower top almost feels like Caduceus’ home, even though Fjord has never been to the Blooming Grove. Yet, he can somehow imagine it. Maybe there might be more plants. Maybe it looks more beautiful than this. (And, of course, it definitely has lots and _lots_ of graves.)

Looking around, Fjord notices the small shrine Caduceus made for the deities that some of their fellow party members follow. He sees the wood-carved idol that was made for the Wildmother, and then he sees the small pool of water for Uk’otoa.

Seeing the pool, Fjord clenches his fists tightly and he looks down at his chest. The fear inside him never disappears whenever he sees anything that reminds him of the god he used to follow, knowing well enough that He could be coming for him again anytime soon.

Fjord places his hand on his chest. A sense of relief rushes through his body when a warm wind suddenly blows towards him, seemingly embracing him.

Then, a soft matronly voice whispers in his ear. “Don’t worry, my child. You are safe here with me.”

Fjord jolts, completely surprised. However, he recognizes the voice, and he immediately turns around. Although he can’t see anything or anyone around him, he feels Her presence.

“Wildmother, I…” Fjord begins to speak, thinking about his words carefully. “I would like to ask if it’s alright…to talk to you.”

The breeze begins to blow towards the direction of the tree, as if it is telling to Fjord to go there.

He does.

Eventually, Fjord finds himself standing at the base of the tree. Certain parts of it are illuminated from the lanterns’ light. The air around him remains warm and comforting, so Fjord sits down with his legs crossed—just like how Caduceus does.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He takes in every little sound he hears and gives a name to each one of them. The rustle of the leaves, the gentle gust of the wind…

…The crashing of the waves, the cawing of gulls.

In a blink of an eye, Fjord finds himself sitting on the edge of a cliff. He sees the vast blue sea before him and the wide sky above him. Clouds of varying sizes float across the heavenly canvas. From the sky and the clouds, he could barely make out a figure.

A figure with long flowing hair, kind eyes, and a motherly smile.

“Speak up,” the voice echoes in Fjord’s ears in a whisper.

Hearing her voice, Fjord feels more reassured than ever. He feels a bit more confident with himself, as he now begins to speak.

“I know this may sound silly, but…” Fjord pauses for a moment, before he continues, “…I have a question.”

Fjord rethinks his question once more, suddenly feeling reluctant just right after he reassured himself that what he is doing right now is fine.

The air around him remains still, but the warmth is still there. As if to assure him that She is still there, listening and waiting patiently for him.

Fjord takes another deep breath.

Finally, he asks, “Does Caduceus hate me?”

A minute passes by, and then a gentle, warm breeze blows gently around Fjord. It is not to affirm Fjord’s suspicions, but to confirm that the man in question does not, by any means, hate him.

For a moment, Fjord sees a leaf and a petal float by. The wind becomes seemingly playful, as if it is teasing him for asking such a question with a completely obvious answer. Upon sensing the teasing nature of the breeze, Fjord flushes as he feels admittedly embarrassed of himself for asking such a thing.

He takes a deep breath for one last time, reassured and content from The Wildmother’s response. He smiles to himself, as the thought of Caduceus not hating him comes into mind.

He could not bear to imagine what it would be like to be hated by someone who has so much patience in helping and guiding him in his journey as a follower of a god he never heard of until recently. To be hated by someone who is peaceful, kind, understanding, wise by nature, and selfless to a fault.

To be hated by someone like Caduceus—the thought alone scares Fjord. _A lot._

“Thank you,” Fjord says, before slowly opening his eyes.

He sees the dark nature around him once again—the giant tree, the lanterns, the small plants around him. The warmth that enveloped him disappears in an instant, as he feels the coldness biting his skin. Reflexively, he shivers.

All of a sudden, a deep voice rings out of nowhere.

“Well, that was surprising.”

Fjord almost jumps from his place, and lets out a short scream.

He quickly turns around to see a tall, pink-haired firbolg holding a tray with two teacups and pot. Recognizing the creature, Fjord lets out a huge sigh of relief.

“ _For god’s sake,_ Caduceus! You almost scared me to death.”

“I apologize,” Caduceus says with a smile on his face. “Though, it might be a problem if my appearance scares you to death, so to speak.”

“Um, right, that was—” Fjord immediately stops, shaking his head and massaging his forehead. “Nevermind.”

Caduceus slightly tilts his head to the side. “Are you sure?”

Fjord sighs. “That was just an expression, I promise. And don’t worry, I don’t find your appearance particularly scary. If anything, you look more—”

 _Beautiful_ , is what he would’ve said. Fortunately, Fjord manages to catch himself.

“—approachable.”

“Oh.” After blinking for a few times, Caduceus chuckles lightly and smiles. “Well, thank you. That’s, uh, that’s good to hear.”

“Right…”

Fjord feels his heart fluttering upon seeing the small smile forming into Caduceus’ face. Although he naturally smiles most of the time, hearing him chuckle like that rarely happens. Somehow, Fjord feels lucky just from that.

“Well then, may I join you?” Caduceus asks. “I brought some tea for the two of us.”

“Ah, yes, of course.” Fjord hurriedly stands up to make room for them. “Thank you.”

Caduceus simply hums, nodding in acknowledgement.

Fjord watches as Caduceus walks his way towards him, holding the tray with the tea set ever so steadily. When Caduceus stops at the base of the tree, Fjord moves aside. Then, Caduceus gives him a small nod and walks until he is right across Fjord. He sits down on the ground, and carefully puts down the tray in front of him.

Fjord takes that as his cue to sit down as well. This time, he takes his seat on one of the larger roots of the tree. After that, he looks over at Caduceus.

When he sees that Caduceus is already looking at him, Fjord’s heart skips a beat. He also notices that from his perspective, he and Caduceus are almost at the same level, thanks to the elevation he got from the root he is sitting on. Eventually, Caduceus gives him a smile.

“You’re well-seated now, yes?” he asks.

“Y-Yeah,” Fjord answers, nodding.

“Very well, then.”

From that, Caduceus begins to pour tea for them.

Methodically, he raises the teapot using both of his hands and gently tilts it towards the cup until it is almost full to the brim. He does the exact same movement with the exact same precision on the other cup. As soon as he places the pot back into the tray, Caduceus gestures his hand to the cups.

In response, Fjord slowly gets his cup. “Thank you.”

“Mn.” Caduceus nods, smile unwavering. “Enjoy your tea.”

Thus, Fjord takes a quick sip from his tea. As he does, the taste suddenly overwhelms his mouth. Then, it begins to slowly subside, as he begins to taste a rather sweet mint-like flavor.

“Oh, wow,” Fjord comments, his eyes blinking as he takes another sip. It tastes really good, with quite the punch at the start. “That’s—” he coughs. “—that’s quite nice.”

Caduceus chuckles lightly. “Too strong for you?”

“No, of course not!” Fjord immediately retorts. “I think it’s just the right amount of ‘strong’ for me. I just didn’t expect that.”

“Mn. I thought so,” Caduceus murmurs, sipping his tea.

Fjord decides to observe his expression, as Caduceus’ face scrunches up momentarily with a quiet hum of approval. Fjord laughs at this.

“See? Even _you_ didn’t see that coming,” Fjord teases, pointing at Caduceus with his free hand accusingly.

“I mean, the Gwerders are exactly like that,” Caduceus replies nonchalantly. “Impulsive and unpredictable people, they are. But, they are very pleasant to have a chat with.”

Even until now, Fjord can’t help but still be completely baffled whenever Caduceus casually drops the name (of the people, er—) of the tea he makes. He always has to remind himself that Caduceus makes “dead people tea”. _Really_ good “dead people tea”.

“O-Oh,” Fjord barely says, looking down at his tea.

The liquid is translucent, with a shade of dark turquoise. Not only does it taste good, but it also has a pretty color. But then, the thought that he is basically drinking the remains of a dead body suddenly makes him shiver.

Regardless, Fjord continues to drink his tea, as he watches Caduceus drinking it as well. Although his face scrunches from time to time, his expression remains peaceful.

“That’s really nice,” Caduceus mutters, satisfied.

Fjord merely hums in acknowledgement, as silence begins to fill the air around them.

Time continues to pass by, and Fjord starts to feel a bit fidgety. In the other hand, Caduceus still has his calm demeanor while staring at his cup. Fjord can still feel the tension between the two of them that started from earlier, ever since that morning. He can’t even bear the awkward silence either.

“Fjord.”

He barely registers Caduceus’ voice when he suddenly hears him call his name.

“Yeah?”

“There’s, uh, there’s something I need to say,” Caduceus says slowly, as if he is carefully choosing his words. “And I think if I don’t say it sooner, it’ll be a problem for the both of us, especially for the people around us.”

Completely taken aback from Caduceus’ words, Fjord’s jaw drops slightly, and his wide eyes blink rapidly.

_What?_

In an instant, Fjord’s mind begins to formulate all kinds of possible things Caduceus might say to him.

_What will he say? That he’s had enough of Fjord? That he will be leaving the group, because he can’t stand being with Fjord? That he hates—_

“Fjord?”

The moment he hears Caduceus’ voice, Fjord finally snaps back into reality and schools his expression immediately.

“Sorry, I—I wasn’t paying attention,” Fjord quickly apologizes, setting down his cup of tea to the side. He takes a deep breath and slowly exhales. “What is it?”

Caduceus slowly opens his mouth to speak, but immediately closes it. Fjord observes the firbolg looking down and staring too intensely into his cup, as if he is in deep thought. Eventually, he slowly lifts his head up, meeting Fjord’s gaze once more.

Back then, Fjord would tense up whenever Caduceus looks straight at him in the eye. It always feels like Caduceus is seeing right through him (which he always does, and it is both scary and amazing).

However, there is something different about Caduceus’ gaze. There is a hint of shame in his sincere eyes.

“I want to apologize about my behavior this morning,” Caduceus finally says, and Fjord is almost convinced that he is dreaming. “I’ll admit it was very immature of me. I know I was trying to avoid talking to you, because I was…”

Fjord watches with wide eyes as Caduceus trails off, pausing for a moment to think. His eyes gaze at something else, before they look at Fjord once more.

“I might have spoken out of turn and completely ignored your feelings,” Caduceus continues. “That—that wasn’t my intention. I do not, by any means, intend to ignore your feelings at that time. But, I must admit that I was too… _aggravated_ , so to speak, about what was happening and what you were saying that I ended up saying such things to you. And I am truly, _truly_ sorry for that.”

Caduceus inhales deeply. Fjord subconsciously does the same. He feels somewhat relieved as the tension between the two of them is gradually disappearing.

“I also want you to know and understand that I absolutely, _definitely_ , do not hate you,” Caduceus adds, and then a chuckle escapes from his lips. “In fact, I can’t bring myself to hate you. Despite the little things you’ve done before, I don’t see any reason to hate you at all. Not a single one.”

In an instant, Fjord finds himself kneeling in front of Caduceus, his arms outstretched in mid-air. They surround Caduceus, but they don’t touch him. Meanwhile, the sudden display in front of Caduceus surprises him, his eyes open wide.

Before he can let Caduceus speak or even properly process what is going on, Fjord immediately jumps in with a question.

“May I hug you, Caduceus?”

Caduceus’ eyes slowly blink once, twice. Then, they begin to blink rapidly, and a smile begins to creep in his face. Seeing this, Fjord remembers how Caduceus tends to smile when he is scared and nervous.

What Caduceus doesn’t know, however, is that Fjord is equally scared and nervous. He can hear his heart beating so loud in his chest that he can even feel it. Even his arms are shaking and his fingers are twitching.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll, uh—” Caduceus nervously answers, still smiling. “Let me just, uh, put this aside…”

As Caduceus says this, he places down his cup of tea beside him, right next to the tray with the teapot he put aside some minutes ago. From that moment, Fjord wraps his arms around Caduceus and gently pulls him into a hug.

He can hear Caduceus’ soft gasp in his ear as he tenses under his embrace. Until slowly, Fjord can feel Caduceus’ body relax. Then, a pair of long thin arms hugs his back, pulling Fjord a bit close. He can feel so much warmth from Caduceus, even if the air around them is so cold. It is strange yet calming.

After a moment, Fjord pulls away and cups Caduceus’ face tenderly.

“Caduceus,” he says. “I love you.”

As soon as he sees Caduceus’ eyes widen and mouth slightly agape, Fjord realizes what he just said. His face instantly warms up, and he quickly looks away from Caduceus.

“I mean— _wait_ , that’s not—” Fjord stutters, attempting to catch himself. “That’s not what I was supposed, to say, I—”

“Is that so?” Caduceus frowns, his long ears droop a little.

“Wait, _no!_ What I meant was—” Fjord’s face feels hotter. “—what I meant to say was, uh…”

Fjord inhales and exhales deeply. After clearing his throat loudly, he finally turns back to Caduceus, placing his hands on either shoulder.

“You…” Fjord starts, his speech slow as he tries to think the right words to say. “You had every reason to be upset with me at that time, first of all. And I can see that and I understand that.”

Caduceus averts his gaze at this. But it is only for a moment, for he looks back to Fjord with solemn eyes. It is as if he is properly prepared and ready to accept whatever Fjord will tell him with understanding.

“It’s true, of course, that your words did hurt me,” Fjord continues. “But thinking about it now, you had a very fair point. And at that time, I’ll admit, I acted too stupidly by relying on my instincts again, thinking that I can handle everything on my own.”

He finds himself letting out a brief laugh. And here, he thought he got rid of that kind of thinking way long before. Old habits _do_ die hard, as they say.

“I’m just—I’m too speechless right now.”

“You say that,” Caduceus interrupts. “And yet you manage to say a lot.”

Fjord chuckles. “I mean, I was about to say that your apology made me feel very overwhelmed _._ I don’t really know what to say to that except that I forgive you and it’s alright, and that I am thankful for you for always looking after me.”

He cups Caduceus’ cheeks once more and tucks a strand of pink hair behind Caduceus’ ear.

“And that I love you,” Fjord says. “I love you, Caduceus.”

Under the faint light of the lanterns, Caduceus blushes as his cheeks begin to feel warm under Fjord’s touch. As if he can’t look back at Fjord properly anymore, Caduceus closes his eyes.

“Mn.” Caduceus hums with a small nod. “I know.”

Fjord’s heart skips a beat the moment he sees this, and he feels himself blushing even more. _Fuck, he’s so cute._

“Caduceus,” Fjord whispers softly. “Look at me.”

Caduceus slowly opens his eyes, and Fjord notices how pretty his pink eyes are with the light shining on them.

“You really don’t hate me?” Fjord asks.

“No, I really don’t.” Caduceus shakes his head. “Like I said, there is no reason for me to hate you. In fact, I thought _you_ would hate me.”

“What are you talking about?” Fjord laughs. “After what you did this morning, I thought _you_ were the one who hated me.”

“It’s _because_ of what I did this morning that I thought you would hate me,” Caduceus explains. “Which is why I’m _very_ glad to hear that you…don’t hate me.”

“You know, I find that really funny.”

“Why is that?”

“Before you came up here, I did some meditation to ask the Wildmother if you hated me.”

Suddenly, Caduceus begins to laugh. Fjord can’t help but feel even more embarrassed now that he told Caduceus about it. Thus, he lowers his head.

As soon as he was done laughing, Caduceus finally asks. “You asked the Wildmother if I hated you?”

“I mean, I didn’t get the chance to talk to you during the day after all that,” Fjord explains as he looks up at Caduceus. “I thought that you were avoiding me, so I thought that you must have been really upset with me.”

“That, I understand.”

Caduceus hums, acknowledging Fjord’s answer. For a brief moment, a frown forms in his lips.

“What did She say?”

Fjord thinks for a while before he answers. “Well, a breeze blew around me. It was warm and reassuring—like She was telling me that I shouldn’t be worried, because you do not hate me at all.”

Caduceus slowly nods. “I see.”

“In fact, I think She was sort of teasing me,” Fjord adds. “It felt like She was saying, ‘Why would you ask such a question when the answer is so obvious?’”

Caduceus chuckles at this. “I suppose She has a fair point, but I can’t blame you.”

As he says this, Fjord sees Caduceus’ arm slowly reaching out to him. Then, he touches one side of Fjord’s face and gently caresses his cheek.

“And again, I apologize if I made you feel that way. It is my fault, after all, for saying too much.”

Fjord relaxes to the touch and holds Caduceus’ hand that is touching his face.

“It’s alright,” he says. “I know you meant well.”

“Thank you.”

Caduceus gives another soft smile, and Fjord’s heart once again skips a beat. He can’t help but feel these warm feelings that seem to be overflowing in his chest—all from seeing Caduceus smile at him like that.

Out of pure impulse, Fjord once again leans towards Caduceus to pull him into a hug.

It feels so warm that it is almost like Fjord is hugging a pillow—a thin, furry one of that. But he doesn’t mind. In fact, he loves it. He loves hugging the thin, furry pillow named, Caduceus Clay.

Fjord can’t help but bury his face even more against Caduceus’ shoulder and squeeze his body a little bit.

As if he felt that light squeeze on his body, Caduceus chuckles.

“Are you alright? Is this good?”

Fjord nods.

“Do want me to lift you?”

“God, _no,_ ” Fjord immediately replies as he lets out a laugh. “This—this is fine. This is good.”

Caduceus hums, acknowledging. As he does, Fjord can feel the firbolg’s chest vibrating against his own. Weirdly enough, the sensation feels rather soothing. It feels like getting a very gentle and light chest massage.

“Can we stay like this?” Fjord asks.

“Of course,” Caduceus answers. “As long as you’d like.”

“Thank you,” Fjord sighs happily.

After a moment, he calls out.

“Caduceus?”

“Yes, Fjord?”

“I love you.”

“I know.” Caduceus smiles and squeezes Fjord a little bit. “And I love you, too.”

As the two remain in each other’s arms, a gentle breeze suddenly blows at them. It feels loving and comforting—like a mother’s embrace to her children.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading! Kudos and comments are genuinely appreciated.  
> You can find me in Twitter @ [HSaijou](https://twitter.com/HSaijou)  
> Feel free to send me questions (or prompts) at my [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/Himitsu315).


End file.
